I’ve made my second ER visit in 3 months. I have some upper respiratory thing that they can’t identify and I get a bunch of pills to take and sent home to get better. I’m starting to see a pattern here.
Normally, I’ve got a pretty good outlook on this thing but this has been an extremely difficult week for me. No less than 5 people in the Myeloma community has died from this beast this week. I woke up this morning to another one that had passed. It has driven home the severity of what I have at a time when I’m constantly thinking about mortality. Although I have an extremely positive outlook on living with Myeloma vs. dying with Myeloma, I look at things so much differently than a normal person. I weigh each activity with the possible effects I know will come with exerting effort. I have to choose what life to live and what life to go by me and live with the remorse of not taking part in it. It’s the unseen part of cancer that no one brings up. It’s like a dirty little secret in a small town… everyone knows about it, but they don’t say anything about it because it’s just too damn depressing.
I’m running a low grade fever and I’m feeling pretty bad, but my dad really enjoys it when I stop in to see him every morning. It’s a big part of his day. Since he’s 80, those days won’t be around much longer. Do I stop in and see him or not? It’s a tough choice.
I am having a day when I can’t breathe and I run out of breath walking across the room. Do I try and help my wife out with housework? Do I clean out the garage that I’ve bee putting off for 3 months? Do I try and pressure wash the deck out back? All things that need done, but what is the price I pay? Is it worth it physically? Is it worth upsetting my wife because I’m pushing myself?
My daughter has a volleyball game today. It’s her first one with the developmental team. I have a choice. I can stay at home and miss it or I can go into a closed in gym with about 100 kids and their parents and expose myself to yet more germs at time when I’m coughing up a lung already due to some unknown virus or bug. What a life, right? I can choose to play it safe and maybe stay around a little longer, or I can throw caution to the wind and go cheer on my little girl while she pursues her passion of being a volleyball player.
My wife asks me out to breakfast for the first time in months. I never get enough wife time, but I’m feeling off, weak and wobbly. Do I say yes and spend time with the love of my life, or play it safe and stay home….. (not really a hard choice, there)? Breakfast was good, the company was amazing!
It all boils down to choices and living with the ones you make… or don’t make. It’s just that with this disease it seems like the choices are harder to make and the consequences are more severe. Two years into this and it seems that I’m having to make harder choices more often. Hopefully , I’m making the right ones.